everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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