12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
