I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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