I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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