i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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