i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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