I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
