You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
barbara walters just said penis...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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