God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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