I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
