Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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