I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
