I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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