The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
