My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
