My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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