I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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