First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
