I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
