i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
