If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
