My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
