just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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