I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
