What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
