Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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