as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
