So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
