I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
