now i know why i became what i already was.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
