I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
