FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
