is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
