He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
