he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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