She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
