Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
