i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
