YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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