A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
