I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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