i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
