It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
