He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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