Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
