I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Ketchup is God's man juice
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
