I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
These tits shall not be calmed
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
