Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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