I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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