I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I wish you could order shots online.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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