So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
