I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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