I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
