Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
