Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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