Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
