I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The air was thick with penises
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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