All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
