okay pat passed out under dana's car
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
